Stranger than Fanfiction
by Da-Guru
Summary: Poor Shinji's hearing voices now...well, voice...specifically my voice. Enjoy.
1. I Shinji: You Eva

Evangelion: Stranger than Fanfiction

Ordinary. Yes, ordinary is the word I would use to describe Ikari Shinji.

"Uhm, excuse me?"

Before today, Ikari Shinji led a boring, ordinary life. The only thing he seemed to be lacking was a parental presence in his life, his mother being dead for over ten years and his father being absent for just as long.

"Ok, uhh how do you know that? Who are you?"

A high pitched whine reverberates through the cabin of the train as the breaks kick in. Shinji checks the letter to see if this is his stop. It is. He collects his bag and moves to the doors. With a hiss, they open. With one final breath, Ikari Shinji takes a step off the train. But little does he know that this first step would lead him and the rest of the world to their ultimate demise.

"WHAT!"

* * *

One last measure and the recording is over. Hanging up the phone, he pads back over to the corner where he was supposed to meet his escort, the buxom, purple haired woman on the post-card. The echoes of his footsteps keep perfect time. Shifting his duffel to his other hand in a well practiced move, he pulls out the letter which had brought him here. A single word, "Come," is all it says. And even that is hard to discern through his half-hearted attempt to mend it. As it is, the letter is only held together by some clear tape.

A motion in his periphery shifts his attention. A most unusual young woman now stands at the center of his attention. A pale complexion and sky blue hair seem to glow of their own accord. He is not entirely certain, but her eyes might be red. Shinji wonders what she might be doing in the middle of the street. A flutter of motion above and his attention wavers. Scared birds are all he finds. His eyes seek out the young woman again only to find an empty street.

"Ok, this voice is starting to creep me out."

A loud explosion rocks the street. The wires above rock and sway. Shinji covers his ears to protect them from the violent noise. The noise subsides. And then he hears it, a deep rumbling. It comes and goes in waves, almost like...like footsteps. A deep roar and boom down the street. Several VToL craft float into view, firing back at something. Then it comes into view. Shinji-kun doesn't know what it is. But it's big. And the planes aren't doing much damage to it. It has the basic structure of a human: two arms, two legs, shoulders, feet, hands, and the facsimile of a head. All is twisted and misshapen, as if to mock mankind. Two missiles fly overhead toward the creature. The impact does nothing to the creature. The creature extends a spear of light from its "arm," if you can call it that, scewering one of the planes. The downed plane lands down the street from Shinji, close enough for him to feel the wind from the crash. Looking up, Shinji spots the creature flying through the air. The creature lands on the downed plane, crushing it in one step. The shock from the landing knocks Shinji over. A final explosion rips the plane apart. Shinji falls onto his back in shock. Whilst awaiting his imminent demise, Shinji hears tires screeching. A shadow crosses over him. It's only after the explosion subsides that he hears a car door open. He opens his eyes to see a blue Renault with the front passenger door open. Inside the car is a rather well defined woman in a black dress. She has deep violet hair.

The strange woman says, "Sorry. Thanks for waiting."

He climbs in quickly. More missiles crash into the creature. Rubble comes down on the car. The woman quickly turns the car around. The creature's other foot comes down hard, shattering the street as the woman leads the car away.

One short car trip, a lot of destroyed aircraft, and a massive explosion later, they finally get to the introductions.

"Ano, Katsuragi-san…" Shinji hesitates to ask.

"Misato's fine."

"Ano, Misato-san, do you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"That voice."

"What voice?"

"Uhh…"

* * *

It's the end of the day, after Shinji has been released from the hospital. And now our young friend finds himself in an office belonging to Nerv's resident Psychiatrist, a surprisingly young-faced man with white hair and red eyes. The office is Spartan. From the looks of it, the pale man had only recently occupied it. The bookshelves on the back wall had yet to be filled, supposedly from the boxes hiding behind the man's desk. But the good doctor had already hung a small placard bearing a simple statement, "Everybody has issues," in English. And Shinji could spy a guitar case poking out from a cabinet.

"So! They tell me you've been hearing voices," the pale shrink intoned.

"Ah, yes," Shinji said, uncertainly.

"Well, why don't you tell me about them?" The shrink adjusted his glasses and pulled out a notepad to take notes.

"Well, I…" Shinji stalled. He didn't want to do this again. He'd already explained this to Misato…and his father…and Dr. Akagi.

"Take your time. Take as much time as you need. Schizophrenia can be unsettling, especially if you know that it's happening."

"But…"

"Yes?"

"But the voice isn't telling me to do stuff. He isn't telling me stuff that I can't already see for myself."

"Then what is he telling you?"

"He's narrating."

"What?" The good doctor's glasses slid down his nose a bit when he looked up.

"He's narrating my life."

"Well, I hate to break this to you. But hearing voices that aren't there is a symptom of schizophrenia." The good doctor put his pencil in the spine of the notebook. "However, from what I've read in your file and your behavior here, you don't seem to be presenting with the other common symptoms. But there aren't many other illnesses that present with auditory hallucinations. This may or may not be a result of the synchronization process…"

"Ano…the voice started before I got in the Eva."

"and…what?"

"The voice started before I got in the Eva."

"Well, that is strange. Did you tell Dr. Akagi?"

"Yes."

"Hmm, very strange." The good doctor turned his head toward the door and started muttering to himsel. "Could be some sort of mental contamination effect from…no. If it were, then we'd have seen more cases of it by now. He could be patient zero of a new disorder. Hmm. Ok!" Shinji jumped at the exclamation. "Shinji, I want to schedule you for weekly visits. This could be some sort of new disorder associated with Second Impact."

"Ano…"

"And if it is, then we need to document it in its early stages." The excited doctor continued.

"Ano, but what do I do about the voice?"

"Well, I'm hesitant to prescribe anti-psychotics in your case. Firstly, we don't know what this is." The doctor gestured in Shinji's general direction. "So we don't even know if the drugs would work. And secondly, anti-psychotics can have some nasty side effects. And thirdly, it hasn't interfered with your ability to function so far. So until it starts interfering with your life, we'll hold off on medicating."

"But what do I do about the voice? I mean, it sounds like the voice is telling a story and I'm his main character." Shinji looked at the man, a little frightened that the good doctor didn't know what was wrong with him.

"Well, if that's got you worried, then maybe you should consult an expert in literature."


	2. The Search for Sanity

Gir: We're back, Mr. Bunny Man!

Guru: Indeed we are. The journey was harrowing. But we have returned.

Gir: I'm getting milkshakes!

Guru: Woo! I love milkshakes.

Gir: My milkshakes bring all the boys to...

Guru: Shhhh! Stop right there. Don't turn this into a songfic.

Gir: Wha?

Guru: Nevermind. On with the fic!

* * *

Stranger than Fanfiction: Chapter 2, The Search for Sanity

It's been a week now since we last joined our "hero." And he has found himself right back where we left him, in Nerv's loony bin. The good doctor's office is decorated properly now with various informative and "motivational" posters. The boxes are gone. And the books are on the shelves. Though, oddly, the guitar case is still sticking out of the cabinet. Our dear Doctor Bob must get a lot of mileage out of the instrument.

"So how has school been, Shinji?" the pale doctor asks, starting with something easy for Shinji…relatively speaking. Shinji really doesn't want to talk about school.

"It's…well…you know those boys that got in the Eva with me yesterday?"

"The ones that Katsuragi chewed out?" Shinji nods. "What about them?"

"Well, Suzahara, the big one, his little sister…got hurt when I first got in the Eva," Shinji admitted.

"Hmm, and how do you feel about that?"

"I…don't know. I'm…sad I guess," Shinji looks away from the doctor's scrutiny, clearly more than a little uncomfortable. "But…Suzahara was…. He…he hit me, when he found out that I was the pilot." To be honest, Toji didn't hit Shinji that hard. And if he were honest with us, he'd say that he felt guilty about the whole thing.

"Do you think you deserved it?"

"I…yes. I think I deserved it."

"It's understandable to feel guilty, Shinji. But you have to understand that you didn't have any control over what happened to that girl."

"I know that," Shinji lies.

"But you don't feel that way," the shrink caught him.

"…yeah," Shinji admits. "Am I that easy to read?" he thinks to himself. Really, he's not that easy to read. Bob just has a lot of experience with this…and a degree or two. And I have the advantage of reading his thoughts. Shinji flinches. Yes Shinji, even those thoughts.

"So what about at the battle?" the good doctor asks. Ahh yes, the human toe jam incident.

"What about it?"

"Well, they were in the Entry Plug with you." Shinji nods. "How did you feel about that?"

"I was afraid." Fear is an interesting feeling, from an academic perspective. The fight or flight response activates and floods your body with adrenaline, preparing you for the exertion that the situation is calling for. In this case, Shinji decided on the fight response.

"So you attacked." It's not a question.

"Yeah.

"Even though the Captain told you to retreat."

"Yes. I…. I didn't even hear her. I just…." It'd be nice if he said, "I went berserk and slaughtered the enemy." The image of him screaming out "Waaaaaaaghhh" and slaughtering enemies is far to alluring. But that's another Shinji. Too bad he can't wear war paint in the Entry Plug. Le sigh.

"What was it like?"

"Hmm?"

"Attacking like that." The good doctor wants to say "What was it like going ape-shit on a Messenger of fucking God?"

"Numb. I was numb all over."

"That's a common reaction to violent situations like that. We turn numb to protect ourselves. What about afterwards?"

"I…still felt numb…for a long time, like everything was moving in slow motion."

"Tension will do that. Was it like that the first time you piloted?"

"I…don't remember that much about the first time."

"What do you remember?"

"It's all a blank after I got to the surface." That tends to happen when you get a very metaphorical spike shoved through your equally metaphorical eye.

"Why don't you start at the beginning, with the Commander?"

"Well…" Shinji hesitates. He really doesn't want to talk about seeing his father again or the battle that took place not five minutes later. But I do want to talk about it, whether he's going to or not. I didn't really get a chance, last time. And I don't want to miss this one. So whether he's going to or not, I'm going to let you all in on what happened that fateful day, including Shinji's private thoughts about how utterly kissable that bluette's lips were. "I guess I can talk about it." Good boy, Shinji. Good boy. Ok, it's flashback time. Cue the wavy special effects.

"Correct," was the first word that Ikari Gendo spoke to his son in three years' time. Not so bad, when you think about it. But what did he follow them with? "Been awhile." Really? The man could have at least put on a show of caring for his son. Maybe Shinji wouldn't have reacted so badly.

"How did you feel when you saw him again?" the good doctor asked.

"Mad. I was mad," Shinji mumbled. "I just…." Shinji just wanted to tell the man to fuck off. But at the moment, he was too scared and too confused. "I wanted to tell him off. I wanted to ask him why he couldn't talk to me in 3 years. But…I couldn't. He wanted me to…."

"Pilot the Eva," Dr. Kreedo finished for Shinji.

"Yeah." Shinji's eyes were on the floor.

"And you refused?"

"Of course! Why would I do him any favors? He…."

"What did he do Shinji?"

"He left me with my uncle." Now, it wasn't that bad at his uncle's place. But the elder Ikari sibling didn't exactly like Shinji's father. He blamed Gendo for Yui's "death." And that resentment extended to Shinji. Now, he was never overtly cruel. He never even spoke so much as an unkind word to the boy. But there was no love. They were roommates, not family. And Shinji can't help but wonder to himself why I put death in quotes. All in good time, m'boy.

"So why did you pilot?" the good doctor asks.

"I…. They were going to send…this girl…." Shinji hesitates.

"You mean Rei." Shinji nods in response. "She really wasn't in any shape to fight. You did a brave thing, going out there for her." She really wasn't, bandaged up from head to toe, literally. She'd been involved in an accident with Unit 00 a few weeks before. If she hadn't, then Shinji might not have been summoned to Tokyo 3. The letter from our dear Commander Ikari left out that little detail…amongst many, many others. But that's for later. Dr. Bob here is also leaving some things out. The doctor is leaving out that Rei is also a patient of his. "You saved her. You saved us all." He's also leaving out that she spends her sessions with him just listening to him talk, trying to get her to say something.

"I…. It wasn't anything special."

"You underestimate yourself, Shinji." Yes he does. He's downright pathological. Boy should get therapy.

"I…just couldn't watch her get into that thing. She was struggling so much. …in so much pain." Well, Rei probably didn't feel much. She was on a lot of Vicodin.

"And then the Angel hit."

"Yes. And she…fell."

"And you ran to protect her."

"I…I didn't think." Not about protecting her, anyway. At least he wasn't thinking that while he had her in his arms. But I guess finding out that the girl of your dreams…delusions is bleeding all over your pants would kill any first impressions. "I was shocked…that they were going to throw her out there like that."

"Are you worried about her?"

"Yes!"

"Well, I have her contact info. You can go check up on her in the hospital if that will make you feel better."

"I don't," Shinji's phone interrupts the two. A quick check of the number shows that it's not one of the preprogrammed numbers. The doctor jots something down as Shinji goes to put his phone away. "I…I'll let it go to voicemail."

"No, answer it. We're out of time anyway. Here," Bob hands Shinji a piece of paper. "This is Ayanami's contact info, including her room number in the hospital. But she's checking out tomorrow." Shinji takes the paper as he stands up. "You can go see her." Shinj puts the paper in his briefcase as he moves toward the door.

"Ahh, until…next time, Doctor."

"The call's already gone to voicemail. You had better call them back. Goodbye Shinji. Same time next week."

Once in the Spartan hallways, Shinji dials the last incoming number.

"Uhh, hello?" He vaguely recognizes the voice as one of the boys from yesterday.

"Suzahara-san?" Shinji asks for confirmation.

"Ikari?" the voice on the phone echoes.

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

"Uhh, you called."

"Yeah, I did," Toji was fidgeting on the other end. Shinji can't see it. But I know. "Listen, I wanted…to apologize."

"What?"

"I shouldn't have hit ya like that. So…I don't know. I wanna make it up to ya." Now Shinji is nervous. Poor boy. He doesn't like confrontation, even the memory of it.

"Listen…can we talk about this some other time. I have to get going," Shinji admits.

"Ok, but we're not done with this, 'kay? Where ya gotta go that's so important, anyway?"

"Well, I have to go see a professor…." Shinji admits

"What about?"

"A…," Shinji has to think of a reasonable answer. Really, try explaining that you're hearing a voice and that the voice is saying that you're going to cause the end of the world. Try it. See what people say. "a very serious matter. It has to do with the Eva." Shinji doesn't know that he's lying there. But I'll get to that eventually.

"Alright, I'll see ya at school?"

"Yeah."

* * *

In the middle of the afternoon, our hero-slash-chew-toy finds himself sitting in on a college literature course. The subject of the day is a highly pretentious and obtuse "masterpiece" of Japanese literature that the students, teacher, and Shinji would rather not have to deal with. The class is almost over and the professor is just wrapping up.

"And that's where babies come from...for robots." She's gone a little off topic. Thankfully, the bell rings before anybody can ask why they were talking about baby robots. "Alright everyone, remember that your next essay is due this coming Monday." They won't. "And keep in mind that mid-terms will be a week from today." They won't remember that, either.

Shinji gathers himself up as the classroom empties. It's too warm in the lecture hall, even with the air conditioning. And Shinji's built up a modest beading of sweat, despite his stature. Our dear professor's youthful vigor for her chosen area of study may be responsible for Shinji's nervousness. Well, it's either that or the way her thin dress shirt is clinging to the subtle curve of her breast.

"Stop that. I do not fantasize about every woman I see," the horny teenage boy thinks as he joins the line of students that remained to ask the professor for her measurements and/or what the hell she was talking about during class. As the students asked their questions, Shinji takes a second look at the professor. She looks to be about in her early thirties, just a few years older than Misato. Her medium brown hair is cut in a page-boy style, much like the one Rei wears. The resemblance stops there, though. Rei is far more slender than the older woman and has a rounder face. And the professor has more Japanese features than the exotic young bluette.

The professor finally looks at Shinji when he reaches the front of the line. "You're a little young to be a university student." If only she knew...

"Well, I'm not. My name is Ikari Shinji. I emailed you about," Shinji struggles for a moment to try and describe his 'problem, "a 'problem' I've been having."

The professor looks confused for a moment. "Hmm, what sort of problem?" The professor gets a lot of emails. And she doesn't remember this particular one.

"Well, I've been hearing a voice narrating my life."

The professor looks thoughtful for a second before recognition alights in her eyes. "Oh!" she exclaims, tapping her palms together. "I remember now. I thought that was a prank."

"Honestly, I would too. But ever since I went to Tokyo 3, I've been hearing this voice. And it doesn't go away...for long." the boy looks away at that.

"So you work at Nerv?" Shinji nods in response. "Have you talked a psychiatrist about this?"

Shinji nods again. "He sent me to you. He thought that an expert in storytelling could help explain some of what I've been hearing from the voice."

"While that sounds very interesting, I don't think I can help you. This isn't some poorly written fanfiction about giant robots and giant monstrosities attacking for no good reason. I suggest that you go back to your therapist and keep taking your medicine." She turns to leave. Shinji follows her.

"But, I might die," he says.

"We all might die, kiddo, at any time. It's all a matter of chance."

"But it's not like that. The voice said 'But little does he know that this first step would lead him and the rest of the world to their ultimate demise.'"

The professor stops at that, turning to face our favorite mecha pilot. "The voice said that?" Shinji nods in response. "He used the exact words, 'little does he know?'" Another nod. "Hmm. That sounds familiar. I think I remember reading about something like this before in an autobiography of one Karen Eiffel. She said that the reason she quit writing was because she met one of her characters, one she was about to kill in her book. He said that he'd been hearing her voice narrating his life. The phrase 'little did he know' was mentioned a fair bit. And then Alan Moore claimed to have met John Constantine once. This isn't exactly unprecedented."

"So...you don't think I'm crazy?" Shinji asks tentatively.

The professor holds up her hand to stop him. "Well, we don't know that for sure. But I think I can come up with a way to find out what you don't know." She starts scribbling on the corner of a notepad. "Here," she says as she rips off the corner, "this is my messenger info. Write down yours here." She hands him the notepad and a pen. "I'll contact you once I've finished getting the questions ready."

"Oh, okay," he starts scribbling his user name on the pad. "Wait, find out what I don't know?" he asks as he hands the pad back.

"Well, you see, 'little does he know' means that there's something 'he' doesn't know. It means there's something you don't know."

"I know that. That's why I'm here. But how are we supposed to find out what I don't know."

"Well for that, we just have to find out what you do know and go from there."

"Oh, okay. But why can't you ask the questions now?"

"Well, there are a lot of questions that need to be asked, many of which I don't remember off the top of my head. So I'll message you when I get a list together."

"Okay."

"Well, I have to get home and work on this stack of papers from my grad students here," she says while pulling said stack of papers into her over sized professor purse. "It was a pleasure meeting you, Ikari-kun." She says with a bow.

Shinji bows in return. "Ah, thank you professor, for helping me."

"We'll see how well we do when I get through the questions, Ikari-san. Goodbye." With that, she walks out of the classroom, leaving Shinji behind in the deserted hall. Shinji lets out a relieved sigh, now that he is alone.

"She's going to try and help me," are his last thoughts as he walks quietly back to the train station to go home.

* * *

Author's notes: A special thanks to my betas Caphriel, Kyadytim, and Genericrandom, especially since they did so against their wills.

Coming up next time, the all important conversation about what kind of story Shinji is in. Alright, cue "Fly Me to the Moon."


	3. The Church of Nerv: Sex or Death

Well, I have returned. And I bring gifts of fanfiction! I'd like to thank Genericrandom, Caphriel, Kyadytim, and Reisnatcher for prereading for me.

...and GIR wants me to also thank "the giant burrito" too. Yes, GIR, can you see? I'm typing it out. "Thank you Mr. Giant Burrito."

Guh, now to fix all the formatting that screwed up. A kind thank you to Ms. Lone Wulffe for letting me know about that...and a hug if I catch her off guard. The hammer bruises are totally worth it.

* * *

Stranger than Fanfiction 3: Welcome to the Church of Nerv, Sex or Death?

School has always been a chore for our young Mr. Ikari. While he's never struggled with school work terribly much, he is still not the type of person to get immersed in droning lectures from an old fossil of a teacher that can only talk about Second Impact and his childhood stories. Thus it is with heavy eyelids that our favorite young man attempts to read through the study guide for one of the upcoming tests while sitting idly at his desk, more for a lack of anything better to do than some sense of obligation towards his education. And even then, he can't seem to find it within him to focus on that. He is not alone in his boredom. Only half the class is still awake, those who found alternate means of occupation. And yet again, one Ayanami Rei is staring out the window at nothing in particular. Perhaps it is fortunate that Mr. Ikari's messaging program is running.

A new message pops up from . Seems our dear professor finally has the list ready. "Morning, Ikari-kun." Shinji blinks himself awake when his eyes catch the new message.

"Good morning, sensei," he types back quietly.

"I hope I'm not disturbing you," she writes back quickly. Well to be fair, she is. But it's only second period nap time.

"Only second period nap time," Shinji echoes back.

"Lol," is Arisu's only response to the jibe at the other teacher's skills, even though she isn't laughing. "Well, if you have a minute, I have that list of questions ready for you."

"Okay, I have some time before lunch," Shinji answers.

"Alright, we'll start from the top. Are you the best at anything?" she asks.

"Uhm, no. I don't think so," he answers tentatively. Really, he is the best at something. But he doesn't know it yet. And it's a very small group to begin with.

"Really? Anything will work: best majong player, best detective, or best baker."

"No. I'm not any of those."

"Okay. Do you have any royal or noble blood, to the best of your knowledge?"

"No. I don't."

"Alright, do you ascribe to any out-dated or overly romantic code of honor: a knight's or samurai's code?"

"No. What does that have to do with a voice in my head?"

"I'm getting to it, Shinji-kun. I have to rule out a lot of potential stories here. I've already determined that you are not Akagi, Sherlock Holmes, Kazuma Azuma, Prince Hamlet, King Lear, or Don Quixote. Aren't you glad you that you don't have to joust with a windmill?"

Shinji stops to think about that one. He can't help but imagine himself in a homemade suit of armor made from pots and pans running at a windmill with a broom as his lance. It's a silly image. "Yes. I'm glad that I don't have to joust with a windmill."

"May I continue then?"

"Yes, you may."

"Alright. Have you recently reconnected with any lost or estranged family members?"

Shinji blinks and takes a gulp of air. "Yes. My," he hesitates to type in the last part, "father."

"I see. And what does your father do?"

Shinji knows he can't answer that. "I don't think I can answer that. It's supposed to be secret," he types in the box.

"I mean in the most general sense. For instance, is he a scientist or a military leader?"

"Yes. He is."

"Oh? Which one?"

"The leader."

"I see. And what does this organization do?" Shinji hesitates to answer again. "I mean in the most general sense. Is fighting kaiju sized monsters a major operational goal?"

"Yes," Shinji answers back with some great hesitation. This is getting a little too close to home for his comfort.

"Oh dear," Arisu answers worriedly. "That could be bad."

"How so?" Shinji is frightened now. And his anxiety is showing.

"I'll explain in a minute. Alright, did he contact you to operate an experimental weapons platform against said monsters?" Nail, meet hammer. Hammer, meet nail.

Shinji takes a good long look at the last question. There is no way that the professor could have known that. "Yes," Shinji answers with trembling fingers.

"Oh dear. Well it seems that we have our genre," Arisu types back quickly after a few seconds of thought.

Shinji's fingers move furiously as he types back, "Well, what is it?" He doesn't even care that the rest of the class has caught onto his conversation with the sole exception of the teacher. That man can't hear a damn thing over his own droning.

"Well Ikari-kun, it seems that you are the protagonist of a mecha series," she types back slowly.

Shinji couldn't help but wonder. "Is that bad?" he asked.

Arisu mulls it over for a second. "Well, it could be very good or very bad." Shinji just stares at her response. She carefully adds, "On the good end, piloting a mech could be the solution to all your problems including romantic troubles and tooth decay. On the bad end, it could end with everyone in the world except you and maybe a love interest dead and the world turned to ash. It's always a mixed bag with mecha fiction." Shinji couldn't think of anything to say to this. On one hand, this could lead him to be happy for probably the first time in his life. On the other, this could kill everything he knows and loves. Well, now he can think of something to say.

"Well," one student behind him remarks leaning over toward Shinji, "what are you going to say?"

"Shiro!" the girl next to Shinji exclaims with a shushing motion, "let him finish."

"Yeah Shiro," Kensuke says from closer to the back of the class, "you'll give him stage fright."

"All of you! Sit down and pay attention!" Hikari yells from next to her deck.

"Aww come on Class Rep! The old man's just telling the same story he told every day this week. And Ikari's antics are way more interesting than that," an anonymous student remarks from the back.

"Look, even if I agree with you, we still have to keep up appearances, okay," Hikari is facing the rest of the class now. The rest of the class grumbled their ascent to Hikari's continued dominance of their lives as Hikari quietly enjoyed her control. "As you were, Ikari." Hikari mewled sweetly.

Shinji looked back to his laptop to see a new message from Arisu, "Are you okay Ikari-kun?"

"I'm alright, I guess. My classmates were just being," he hesitated while he thought of a descriptor, "rowdy. So how do we find out which end I'll get?" He asked finally.

"Well, it's all about the tone of the work you're in, classically set up between good ends (comedy) and bad ends (tragedy)." she types back quickly.

"But how do we tell the difference between the two from inside?"

"Well, there are two ways I can think of right off. You could watch for the tide of events as they happen, battles and such. But by that time, it's far too late to do anything to fix it. The other key difference between comedy and tragedy is how they treat love."

"Love?"

"Yes, love. In a comedy, your love interest will be a...shallow one. Her or his problems will be solved within a confined time-span and will never reoccur. In a tragedy, your love interest's problems will most likely destroy the both of you." Shinji stares at Arisu's last response. He barely even registers the chime of the lunch bell.

"So," he types in finally, "if I'm going to figure out where this story is heading, I need to get," he hesitates to type in the last bit, "a girlfriend?"

"Exactly." Arisu responds.

"Okay," Shinji responds, "That was the lunch bell. I have to go now."

"Go eat, Shinji-kun. We'll talk another time." And with that, Shinji gets up to go eat his lunch.

* * *

Lunch is progressing. And Shinji is having a bit of trouble focusing on his food. He can't stop thinking about his new task: a girlfriend. What sort of girl does he like anyway? What sort of girl would like him? What sort of girl would keep him and everyone else from dying a horrible, fiery death? It's all he can think about.

"So," says Kensuke, "what sort of girl do you think Shinji likes?" It's also all the stooges can talk about.

"Eh, Shin here seems like he's into the quiet type ta me," Toji responds.

"What, like Ayanami? No way!" Kensuke fires back while Shinji discreetly checks to see if Rei heard them talking about her. She did. But she's not showing any signs of it. "I bet he likes spunky girls. You know, someone with some life in 'em." Rei is acutely aware of her "strange one" status in the school. And it's not that she doesn't care.

"Eh? Like the Class Rep?"

"Nah. She's more your type, Toji."

"And what is that supposed to mean, Ken?"

"Nothing at all, buddy. Nothing at all," says Kensuke, meaning that he thinks Toji should hurry up and confess to the Class Rep before some other guy snaps her up. Good home cooking is a valuable skill, after all.

"Uh-heh," Shinji groans, "can you guys knock it off? I don't even know any girls my age here, except for Horaki-san...and Ayanami." And even those two are just barely.

"Well, time can fix that," says Kensuke. Well, time is one thing in short supply for Shinji. "Where ya going Toji?" Kensuke asks as Toji is rising.

"I've got an idea. I'm gonna ask the Class Rep if she knows anybody," Toji says as he takes his first few steps away from where he was sitting next to Shinji. Hikari is eating her lunch at her desk near the front of the classroom, a small gaggle of her fellow girls in a semi-circle around her talking.

"I don't know, Mayu-chan. He's nice to look at and all. But he can't sing. I like it when musicians can sing," one girl laments.

"But looking at him is half the point, Ami," the other girl, Mayu apparently, retorts.

"Well, I'm not looking at him through my ear buds!" the girl, apparently named Ami, shoots back. Whatever Mayu was going to say dies on her lips when Toji walks up.

"Hi Suzahara," Hikari says.

"Hey Class Rep., you got a second?" Toji asks.

"Sure. What did you need?" Hikari turns to face Toji completely, her hopes rising...well not just her hopes.

"Well, I was wondering," Toji says as he scratches the back of his head absently, "if you knew any single girls around."

And Hikari's maidenly heart crashes out of her chest and shatters on the floor. "Uhm, well I might know a few people for you Suzahara."

"Huh?" Toji stops scratching his head and brings his arm back down. "No, not for me. See, Shinji's looking for a girlfriend and I thought you might know someone." And Hikari's maidenly heart leaps back off the floor and into her chest...well not exactly her chest.

"Oh! Well, that's a different matter," Hikari says with a small sigh of relief. Then she looks thoughtful as Ami behind her gets a look of panic on her face. "Well, there's Cho-san in class 3." Ami is mouthing "No" and gesturing wildly behind Hikari. "And he might like Hina-san. Alright, I'll talk to Ikari-kun after school today." Hikari notices Ami's gestures behind her. "Ami-chan, is something wrong?"

"Uhh, no. Nothing is wrong, Hikari," Ami lies.

Hikari looks skeptical. "Alright. Suzahara, tell Ikari to talk to me after school today. I'll try to get in touch with some people I know."

"Great, thanks Class Rep.," Toji says as he waves goodbye.

"Crap," Ami mutters to herself, "better nip this one in the bud."

* * *

After making his escape from an overeager Toji and a nosy Kensuke, Shinji winds his way towards the roof, thinking that he can finish his meal in peace.

"'Thinking' he says like he's about to prove me wrong," Shinji mutters to himself as Ami follows after him. "How did I know?" Shinji asks himself as he turns to face the girl as she calls out to him.

"Ikari-san, can I talk to you for a second?" Ami asks, coming to stop in front of him.

"Ano, yes?" Shinji says, looking cautious. After all, this could very well be a confession.

"Listen Ikari...there's no good way to say this," she says with a troubled look, "so I'm just going to give it to you." Okay, now Shinji is worried. "The rumor mill is already working. That...ahem," she coughs into her hand, "show before lunch put blood in the water."

"What?" Shinji asks brilliantly.

"How should I say this? You're the new kid here. You're...mysterious. And you're not half bad looking, I'll admit. And now you just went and put yourself on the market. The girls are going to go nuts for this."

"What girls?" Shinji asks.

"All of them, all of the single girls in the class are probably writing love letters to you right now," Ami says with a breath of finality.

"What? Why?"

"Drama, that's why."

"Huh?"

"It's more dramatic if there's competition. And they love competition. They're going to do everything they can to try and 'win' you, Ikari." she says, making the air quotes above 'win.' "That's why I wanted to warn you."

Shinji takes a step back. "Ano, are you?"

"Am I what?" she asks.

"I mean," he gulps, "are you...confessing to me?"

She squeaks out a little snort at that. "Uhh Ikari, no." Shinji relaxes at that. "I honestly don't understand why they act like that. It's immature. It's hurtful. And it's bullshit!" She blushes and covers her mouth at that 'bullshit.' They stand like that for a minute, listening to the murmur from the classrooms. Then she sighs and adds, "And worst of all, Suzahara went and got Hikari-chan involved."

"Ano, how is that worse?"

"You don't know Hikari-chan like I do. I love her dearly. But she tries too hard. I know she means well, but..."

Ami doesn't get to finish her sentence as aforementioned Class Representative calls out while approaching the two from behind Ami, "Did I hear my name?"

Ami whirls to face the Class Representative, caught. "Hikari-chan! I was just telling Ikari-san about your matchmaking skills," she lies to save Hikari's feelings.

Hikari isn't fooled. She sighs, "If this is about the time I set you up with Kodama's friend..."

"No! Hikari, it isn't about that! I told you not to blame yourself for that," Ami almost squeaks out.

Hikari sighs again, "The girls talk, you know. And I hear them. They say that I turned you off of boys."

"You did no such thing, Hikari! I just decided to focus on my studies." It's not quite a lie. That little disaster of a date was the deciding factor in our little Ami's sudden interest in academic pursuits. She just won't tell Hikari that. "My father wants me to follow in his footsteps, be a scientist and all. So I have to get in a good school." It's a lie, a pure fabrication made to soothe Hikari's guilt.

Hikari's still not fooled. "So you say, Ami-chan."

"Ugh Hikari, you know you're my friend. And I love you dearly. I forgave you already. Do I have to forgive you again?"

"No...but there is that guy in class three who has a crush on you..." Expertly played, Master Horaki, a perfect game of passive-aggressive manipulation.

"I...," Ami stands dumbfounded, "I'll think about it." Thankfully the bell interrupts them before any more awkwardness can ensue. "Ikari, just remember what I said, okay?" Ami says as she turns to go collect her stuff to go back to class.

* * *

Class is almost over for the day and our lucky Shinji has the day off of clean up duty.

"Hooray," he says blandly. The bell ending the day interrupts his celebrations. He sighs as he shuts down his laptop. The Class Rep takes a look in his direction. She already has most of her supplies away. A single sheet of paper remains on her desk. She apparently has a prospect for Shinji already. Shinji carefully puts his stuff away as slowly as he can, hoping to put off this meeting for as long as he can. He starts with the power supply for the laptop, disconnecting it and wrapping it carefully. Hikari already has her stuff put up and is walking over. Shinji starts putting his books into his bag. He's just getting to his last book when Hikari shows up.

"Ahh, Ikari?" Hikari asks from above Shinji.

Shinji sighs as he answers, "Hey, Horaki-san."

Hikari doesn't look discouraged. "Well Ikari, I found a couple of girls that are interested in you." To be honest, she found more than "a couple." But she doesn't want to scare off the poor boy. "And I think I found someone you'd be great with! Her name is..."

Shinji interrupts her, "Can we talk and walk? It's been a long day." It's been a long chapter too, Shinji.

"Sure!" she says as he hurries to put the rest of his stuff away. The classroom is mostly empty now except for a few stragglers. Rei is still meticulously putting her books away. And Ami is waiting at the door for Hikari. Hikari starts again as Shinji is rising. "Well, the first girl on my list is a bit of a bookworm. But she's really cute." She continues as they head to the door. "And she has glasses, you know. I hear that's got a unique sort of appeal...not that I'd know," she finishes with a nervous chuckle. "Her name is Mayumi..."

"Wait, Yamagishi?" Ami interrupts Hikari. "Isn't she still in the hospital?"

"Well, yes and no. She's getting out later today," Hikari says the three of them leave the classroom, Ami taking up a space just behind and to Hikari's right.

"And isn't she really shy?" Ami asks from over Hikari's shoulder.

"Well, yes she is. But I figure that she and Shinji have that in common," Hikari says.

"I don't know. That's not the sort of thing you want to have in common with someone," Ami comments again.

"Well if you're so worried, then you can go with them," Hikari fires back.

"Uhh, pass," Ami surrenders.

"Uhh," Shinji interrupts as they approach the stairs, "that might not be such a bad idea. I don't really know what I'm doing on a date anyway."

"Hmm, why don't you go with them, Hikari?" Ami asks.

"What? Two girls with one guy, that could never work," Hikari says with some authority. It's like she knows from experience. Or at least she knows because her sister had an "arrangement" with a friend.

"No, like a double-date," Ami again.

"But who would I go with?" Hikari asks.

"Well, what about Suzahara?"

"Suzahara?" Hikari says with a blush. "I don't know."

Ami skips down a couple steps ahead of Hikari. "Come on Hikari, everyone knows you're crazy about him." Ami stops in front of the two. "This could be your chance."

Hikari doesn't stop walking. "It doesn't work like that, Ami."

"What do you mean?" Ami asks, moving to catch up.

"It's just so bland! I can't just walk up to him and ask him out."

"Why not?" Ami asks, putting a hand on Hikari's shoulder.

"Where's the romance in that? Where's the spark?"

"Girl, you really are delusional. This isn't anime, you know," Ami says with certainty. She's right, of course. _This_ isn't anime. But at least now Shinji has an idea of how to help Hikari, if not an idea of why I emphasized "this."

"I do?" Shinji mutters. And yes, he does. He can talk to Toji for Hikari. Shinji can ask Toji to ask Hikari out. "Hey Class Rep.," he says to Hikari, "I can talk to Toji-san for you." The two girls stop to look at Shinji, who fell behind a few steps ago.

"That could work," Hikari says with a thoughtful look. Ami just looks panicked. "Alright Ikari, you talk to Suzahara. Tell him to call me. I'll set everything else up." Hikari says while Ami just keeps mouthing "No" from just out of Hikari's sight.

"Okay," Shinji says as the two girls turn around. He tunes the rest of the girls' conversation out as they approach the shoe boxes. And he can already see his box but not his shoes. Shinji's shoebox is stuffed with letters of all shapes and sizes. Shinji stops and stares. "I can't possibly be that popular," he thinks to himself.

"I tried to warn you, Ikari," Ami says from where she's seated to put on her shoes.

Shinji stares at the stuffed shoe box for a minute more as Ami finishes with her shoes. At last, he mutters, "What have I gotten myself into?" to himself.

"Welcome to the world of drama that is teenage romance," Ami sings. "So what are you going to do with the letters?"

"I...I don't know. Help me take them to the garbage?" Shinji asks.

"Ahh, smart boy," she says with a grin. "Let's get to work, then."

End Chapter

* * *

Author's notes: Alright, starting to get into the meat of the story. The next chapter will be the date-a-thon. And after that, I'll finally let you guys know who Shinji's love interest is. Try and guess. You guys have a chapter between here and there. Just think about what Arisu up there said and who would get each ending. Zero points for guessing Ami. She's not even in the running.

Also, if you have any requests for cameos, put them in reviews. Next chapter will be chock full of cameos from bad dates. I'll select a few lucky girls and boys who I think make hilariously bad dates. A brief list of some cameos, some as dates and some in the background: Kirishima Mana, Izumi Konata, Nagato Yuki, and maybe either Mihama Chiyo (AKA Chiyo-chan) or Kasuga "Osaka" Ayumu.

A great thanks to my reviewers. Feedback is always welcome. As for your comments, well yes it is strange. The story is strange because I am strange.


	4. Shinji Ikari Vs the World

Stranger than Fanfiction 4: Ikari Shinji Vs the World

It's the night of the big double date and our dear Shinji has run into a bit of a problem while riding along in the black Section 2 van. It seems that nobody thought to arrange for the four of them to actually do anything tonight.

"I'm telling ya' Class Rep.," Toji swears, "pizza and laser tag would 'ave been fine." Correction, Toji and Hikari thought about it but can't seem to agree on it, even during said date. They're on their way to pick up the fourth member of their comedy troupe.

And Shinji thinks to himself, "If the 'comedy' ending is supposed to be good, then why are my intestines trying to throttle my brain?"

He happens to miss Hikari's response to Toji in his thoughts. But Toji''s boisterous counter comes through loud and clear, emphasis on loud. "Hey Shin-man! Can you believe the Class Rep?"

"Please leave me out of this, Suzahara-san," Shinji sighs out. It's for the best, really. One husband is enough in most relationships. "Honestly, the two of you fight like you're already married." The young couple has the decency to blush at Shinji's comment. Though, it's not like they'd admit to being a couple.

Hikari recovers first. "Ahem, well the matter remains. We still have to decide what to do tonight."

"Didn't Yamagishi-san just get out of the hospital?" Shinji asks.

"Yeah, that's right," Toji supplies.

"Well, I didn't want to do much of anything the first couple of days after I got out of the hospital." Shinji's two companions wince as he says it. "So while laser tag and romantic strolls sound great and all, I think we should stick to something low impact."

After a minute of contemplation, Hikari finally says, "Well, I guess I could settle for pizza instead of a picnic."

"Sure, but what are we gonna do afterwards?" Toji asks.

"Well, are there any music stores around here?" Shinji asks hopefully. Really, the boy loves his Classical music.

"No," Toji interjects.

Hikari interrupts, "There is that one on 11nth and 23rd. But that's all the way across the city." Shinji doesn't slump in dejection, honest. But he does cast his eyes down a bit more.

"I've never heard of that one," Toji puts in.

"Yeah, I wouldn't know about it if it weren't for Ami. She likes to hang out there after school," Hikari explains.

"Uhh," Shinji interjects before the young couple can start in again, "maybe we can just go to the library or something. They've got music there, too."

"The library, Ikari? Really?" Hikari deadpans.

"Man, even I know that that's a bad idea," Toji puts his two cents in.

"We'll come up with something, Ikari," Hikari tries to reassure the tag-along. They fall into a companionable silence, companionable for Toji and Hikari. Shinji's nerves are on end.

"Well, I can't help it! There are just so many things that could go wrong tonight," he thinks harshly. He won't have long to worry, though. It seems that they're coming up upon his young maiden's home. "And please don't call her my 'maiden.' It sounds weird." And older man answers the door shortly after the class rep. knocks.

"Hi Yamagishi-san, we're here to pick up Mayu-chan," Hikari chirps cheerfully at Mayumi's father.

"Good evening, Horaki-san," the man says sourly. "Mayu!" he shouts back into the house, "Your friend is here to pick you up." The trio outside don't hear Mayumi scrambling to finish getting dressed upstairs or her indignant squeaks as she trips and loses her glasses under the bed...again. She calls down to her father, with a small bit of stuttering, that she'll be another minute. "Well, you three had better come in. Seems she's going to be another minute. And I wanted to talk to you." Hooray! We get to see a real, live overprotective father in his natural habitat. As Shinji enters, he can't help but notice the lack of a baseball bat or other traditional angry father weapon in the entryway, at least as far as he can see. The father leads the group into a living room which nearly sets off Shinji's cleaning instincts. It's not really messy. The colloquial term would be "lived in." But it is fairly obvious that this is a single parent household just like every other household in Tokyo 3. Before Shinji can wonder about that last bit, the father gestures for the group of youngsters to sit down on an aged but strangely not lumpy couch, probably a sign of disuse. As the father sits down into an equally underused chair, he asks them, "So, what did you have planned for the evening?"

"Ano..." Shinji starts.

"Well, we didn't really..." Toji interrupts.

"Nothing too strenuous, I hope?" Daddy asks.

"Actually..." Shinji starts again. Really, they have to let him talk at some point.

"Of course not, Yamagishi-san. We don't want her to strain herself so soon," Hikari interjects. ...Shinji doesn't have to talk now. But still...

"Well, that's good, at least," Daddy says evenly. "Where, exactly, are you going, anyway?"

"Uhh..." Toji starts.

"We don't really know yet," Hikari finishes.

"Well, you could always go to the library," Daddy suggests...wait. What?

"Uhm, I don't know about that, Yamagishi-san," Hikari shoots down the idea...again. Okay, what's so bloody interesting at the library?

"I already suggested that, sir," Shinji admits.

"Well, I suppose that it might not seem so exciting. But Mayu-chan certainly loves to read. Now what is taking that girl?" Daddy asks as he gets up to check on his daughter. While the only taxpayer in the house talks to his little girl, the three teens get back to figuring out what to do.

"Well, any other ideas?" Shinji asks, knowing that neither of them can think of anything.

"Uhm..." Toji hums.

"Well..." Hikari tries to explain.

Shinji sighs, exasperated. "Well, how about we just do a movie? How does that sound?"

Toji is the first to respond, "I guess that could work."

"I suppose we can settle," Hikari chimes in, just as a crash resounds from upstairs. The three teens fall silent to listen for more. After a few seconds' wait, they're rewarded with a door slamming open and the muffled grunting of a determined father.

"Mayu, I know you're nervous. But you have to get out of this house sometime!" Daddy growls at his daughter from the top of the stairs.

"But Daddy, what about the...?" she asks, reluctantly taking the first few steps down.

"I'll handle the mess. You go have fun. You've been cooped up in this house for too long!"

"Okay, Daddy," she says as she reaches the bottom. She almost makes it into the living room when she spots the other teens staring in her direction. The phrase "deer in headlights" comes to mind as she freezes in place with an almost inaudible squeak.

Her father coughs behind her, eliciting another squeak from Mayumi. "Mayu, don't be rude. Say hi to our guests." he says with a nudge to his daughter.

"H-h-h-hi...everyone." And with those stuttered words, the awkward silence returns in full force. It doesn't last long. Thankfully, Daddy is there to break the silence.

"Well now, I think you've wasted enough time talking to this old man. Now get going!" The kids jump up as he talks. As he shuffles them out of the door, he finishes, "Be careful, Mayu. And don't forget to have fun!" Once the door is closed behind them, the teens can't help but wonder what all the hurry is about. Thankfully, they can't see Daddy begin the ritual known as the "House to Myself Dance." It involves tissues, lotion, and copious amounts of internet porn. And all Shinji can do is groan.

* * *

It's been a few hours since they left the Yamagishi household. Shinji and his companions are trying to enjoy a good movie about Second Impact. There's just one problem with their plan.

"This movie is..." Shinji starts to comment.

"Bad," Toji finishes for him. "Way bad."

"Come on. It's not that bad," Hikari admonishes.

"I can see them reading their cue cards!" Toji exclaims.

"Well, yeah. I can see that. But at least it's trying to stay true to the source here. We can't say that for the American Godzilla movie." Hikari defends.

"Alright, I'll give you that. But at least the special effects were fun to watch in that movie. This...I can't even eat popcorn to this." Toji acknowledges the point.

"Mayumi-san, what do you think?" Shinji asks his date.

"Ano, it's...loud," she admits.

"And you don't like loud things?" Shinji asks.

"I...guess so," she can't seem to get out. She keeps sneaking glances behind them to where another young couple are making out. And now Shinji's eyes seek out the amorous pair that caught his date's attention. Well, they had caught her attention. Now she seems to be very focused on a spilled tub of popcorn next to the screen...and blushing furiously about something.

Toji apparently also noticed. "Mm, I think they've got the right idea."

"Sit back down Suzahara," Hikari admonishes.

"What? It's not like anybody comes to watch this crap," Toji defends himself.

"Suzahara! Language!"

Shinji speaks up before their bickering can escalate into a full blown fight, "Let's just get out of here guys."

"Where would we go?" Hikari asks.

"I think there's a club not too far from here," Toji suggests.

* * *

Here we are in the wilds of the Tokyo 3 night club scene, tracking our foursome of amorously inclined tweens. At least, some people hope that it'll be a foursome. Mostly, they've been awkwardly milling about while Shinji's bodyguards complain about their assignment and fail to fit in with a bunch of kids half their age.

"I can't believe this place doesn't have a liquor license," complains one sweaty, leisure suit wearing Section 2 agent. We'll call him Agent K.

"What?" shouts another agent. We'll call her Agent L. Apparently, she's having issues hearing her co workers over the driving bass. And she's having trouble standing in some stiletto heels that must be a size too big for her at the least.

"I said 'I can't believe this place doesn't have a liquor license,'" K shouts back.

"Well, they did let the kids in," observes another agent. We'll call him Agent M. "I bet this place is supposed to serve a younger crowd."

"Bullshit!" Agent L shouts back, taking a second to pull a loose strand of hair back behind her ear. "I see college kids in here. I bet the old men who sign off on this shit just decided not to give liquor licenses to places that allow dancing or some bullshit like that."

"I wouldn't put it past the city council to do that," Agent M growls out. After a few seconds of listening to the music ask "What is love" again, just like it had for the past 20 minutes, M complains, "Man, I hate these 'casual' suits they got for us. I'm burning up in mine."

"At least you can hide your gun in yours. Mine's in my purse. I swear, if I find out who picked this sluttastic outfit," she growls, gesturing towards the strips of cloth that we might generously call her clothes, "I'm cramming these cheap heels right up his ass!" Agent L finishes, crossing her arms under her chest, drawing attention to a jagged scar running over the top of her breast.

"I'll join you," Agent K throws in. "because nobody wants to see your battle scars put on display."

"Fuck you, K," she tosses off casually.

"After our shift is over, sure." He calmly retorts.

"I'm holding you to that, K," L counters. M almost chokes on himself.

Now, with the bodyguard mating dance complete, the tedious "waiting for the shift to end" phase of the mating ritual begins. This could last for hours. Or at least it could last until 23:15 hours, military time, when the overnight shift takes their spot.

With the waiting period begun, we now move on to the bodyguards' charges, Ikari Shinji and his companions. Here, the larger of the two males attempts to impress his potential mate with ritual dance. Though other males don't appear to gesticulate as wildly or thrust the pelvis as much. This sort of wild display is the hallmark of a youngling in his first dance. "No! Suzahara, you're completely out of rhythm. You're moving around way too much for a crowded club like this. And you're not watching where your feet are," Hikari admonishes Toji, causing him to trip on a left step and crash into another young couple.

"Hey man! What's your problem?" the older boy shouts while wiping his spilled soda off his shirt.

"Toji! I'm so sorry!" Hikari apologizes for her date as he climbs back to his feet. "I was trying to teach him how to dance."

"Yeah, well maybe he should just sit down," the older boy dismisses them as he turns back to his own date with a frustrated, "Sorry about that babe."

Turning to his own date, the young Ikari can only say, "So...having fun?" Mayumi appears to say nothing to this, despite her mouth clearly moving. Perhaps she just can't talk over the incessantly repeating "What is love? Baby don't hurt me."

Eventually, Shinji realizes that she's mouthing, "It's louder here," at him. Mind made up, Shinji goes to his still fumbling friend to get them all out of this fiendish fiesta.

"Hey guys, let's get out of here," he says. Toji falls on his butt again but doesn't hear him. So Shinji speaks up, "Horaki-san, Toji-san, we should get out of here. The noise is bothering Mayumi-san." Shinji isn't too fond of it either. But he doesn't say that. All he does is roll his eyes. Hikari helps Toji up as Shinji looks for the nearest Section 2 Agent that's not getting ready to shoot some teenagers. Mayumi follows him while he looks. Through the crowd, he finds his target, a dark skinned man several years younger than the rest of his detail. He's sitting a few seats away from the other three and sipping a Cherry Coke with a little umbrella. The world may never know how he manages to keep his Coke off his leisure suit while bobbing his head in time with the music. We'll call him Agent J.

"Evening, Ikari. You kids having fun?" J asks, taking a sip from his Coke.

"Hello, sir. I...I mean my date...I mean we were actually looking to get out of here. The noise is bothering my date," Shinji admits to the agent.

"Well, there's a park not too far from here. You can walk there just fine. It's just four blocks North from here," Agent J says.

"You mean Tesla Park?" Toji interjects.

"Yeah! That's the place. I think there's something going on there tonight. I can't remember what it was though," Agent J admits.

"Well?" Shinji asks his assembled companions.

"Sounds good to me," Toji replies.

"A nice walk in the park sounds romantic," Hikari chimes in.

"Uhm..." Mayumi starts.

"Hmm? What do you think, Mayumi-san?" Shinji asks.

"I...that is...," she mouths into the air, still unable to talk over the bass. She takes a deep breath before continuing. "I think I'd like that," she finally squeaks out over the bass.

"Alright! We have a plan," Toji says as he leads the way towards the exit.

But Shinji cannot help but have one last nagging thought before the scene change, "Why was the voice talking like a British nature show host?"

* * *

We rejoin the kids at Tesla Park, where the trees are swaying, the grass is green, and the noise level is even higher than back in the club.

"Oh yeah," says Agent J from a few feet behind the group of teens, still wearing his leisure suit and bobbing his head in time with the music, "there's a charity concert going on here today."

"You couldn't remember that sooner?" Toji shouts back at the agent.

"It would have saved us a trip, at least," Shinji sighed out. "Let's just go home. It's getting late," he shouts out to the rest of the group. The other agents pull the black van around. And they climb back into the black van that brought them here.

"Well, that was a disaster," Toji deadpans.

"Honestly Suzahara! It wasn't all bad," Hikari admonishes

"What? The movie was terrible," Toji groans.

"Endearingly bad," Hikari corrects.

"You're the only one here who can dance," Toji admits.

"You tried your best, Toji. Shinji-san and Mayumi-san are just shy," Hikari retorts.

"And our quiet walk in the park turned out to have a concert going on in it," he says with finality.

"Alright, that was a little unfortunate. Dinner was nice, at least," Hikari tries.

"It was McDonalds. If it wasn't edible, they'd be out of business," Toji counters.

"I was talking about the company," Hikari says with an attempt at a smile towards Shinji and Mayumi.

While the other couple argues some more about the content of the date and whether or not Toji would have to take Hikari on an "apology date" to make up for their abysmal first date, Shinji looks to Mayumi. She watches the floor, occasionally looking up to Shinji riding next to her. Shinji screws up his face a bit. "I'm sorry, Yamagishi-san. We couldn't find something to do tonight that you liked. I mean...I'm sure we can do better next time."

"I don't know," she whispers.

"Well, I'm sure we can find something you'd like," Shinji tries to reassure her. But what he's really thinking about is how much that date will cost. Even split three ways between he, Toji, and Hikari at her own insistence, Shinji dropped a chunk of his spending money on this date. He can't afford to date full time. It's either get the girl in front of him to like him or do the unthinkable...get a job.

"It's just..." Mayumi interrupts his nervous worrying over how he'd balance a job with school and Nerv. "Why couldn't we have gone to the library instead...or something? I mean...if you want, that is..."

Shinji would love to continue his brooding. But all he can think at the moment is a single, glorious thought, "What? The? Fuck?"

Author's notes:

I'd like to thank Caphriel, Kyadytim, and Genericrandom for being my betas for this. And I'd like to thank all of you that stuck with me. I'm sorry it took me so long to get this chapter out. I'll try to get better on the next one. Merry Christmas to all of you. And a Happy New Year as well.


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